Why Does Love Hurt? And How Can You Ease the Pain?

The question “Why does love hurt?” is trickier than it first appears. In this article, we delve into the reasons behind the pain and explore ways to soothe it. After all, nobody enjoys being in pain for long, and love-induced agony is no exception.

WHY DOES LOVE HURT?

The feeling of emotional pain isn’t just about being overly dramatic. Researchers have found that your brain processes emotional distress using the same neural pathways as it does for physical injuries. Social psychologist Naomi Eisenberger calls this phenomenon the overlap between physical and social pain.

While it’s unclear how our emotional pain “hijacked” the part of our brain that handles physical pain, Eisenberger suggests this connection may have developed during our tribal past, where survival depended on group belonging. Thus, our brains evolved to alert us when social connections were under threat.

LOVE AND PHYSICAL ILLNESSES

Emotional stress and anxiety don’t just leave us feeling unsettled—they can manifest physically. Anxiety can lead to muscle tension, stomach problems, headaches, and even heart palpitations. In rare cases, intense emotional stress triggers a condition known as stress cardiomyopathy, also called broken heart syndrome. This causes temporary weakness in the heart muscle, mimicking a classic heart attack due to surges of adrenaline and other stress hormones.

IS IT REALLY LOVE THAT HURTS?

Yes, emotional pain registers in our brains just like physical pain. But is the emotional turmoil you’re experiencing truly “love”?

From a psychological standpoint, a loving relationship is a safe space where you are accepted and supported while offering the same in return. If this doesn’t sound familiar, it may not actually be love but rather lust, codependency, or love addiction.

Ask yourself:

How long have you known this person?
Did you build trust and familiarity gradually and safely?
Or has your relationship been filled with intensity and drama?
Did you manipulate or control each other?
Were there secrets?
Do you feel lost without them?
Was the connection inconsistent?

Love and romantic addictions hurt because they come with emotional highs and lows. While the highs feel euphoric, the crashing lows can leave you feeling physically drained and ill, especially compared to the fleeting moments of bliss.

IS IT YOUR PRESENT LOVE THAT HURTS, OR YOUR PAST?

Perhaps your relationship wasn’t dramatic, yet you’re overwhelmed with feelings of pain your friends might call “an overreaction.” Or maybe you feel deeply hurt by someone you barely knew.

Unresolved past experiences or traumas can be triggered by current interactions, making us relive emotions tied to our history. For instance, a history of childhood sexual abuse may leave someone believing they’re inherently unworthy. As an adult, even minor rejection can feel devastating, leading to self-hate. In more extreme cases, it can result in overreaction or attacking the other person if childhood wounds have evolved into borderline personality disorder.

HOW TO OVERCOME THE PAIN OF LOVE

Breakups and rejection can be excruciating, and it’s crucial to process your feelings rather than avoid them. However, if you find it impossible to move on, it may be time to try new strategies:

Stop “Storytelling.”
Sharing how your heart was broken can aid healing when done through journaling or therapy. But if you constantly recount to anyone who will listen how you were mistreated, you’re only prolonging your heartbreak.
Use the Pain as an Opportunity.
Every time you catch yourself thinking “love hurts,” ask yourself how you’re treating yourself in that moment. Emotional pain can become an excuse to neglect yourself. We often relinquish self-care to the person who hurt us, then mimic their treatment of us. If you feel abandoned, are you abandoning yourself?
- Are you taking care of your health?
- Are you surrounding yourself with supportive people, or those who bring you down?
- Are you acknowledging your daily achievements, or are you too busy criticizing yourself?
Seek Help.
Does your pain follow a pattern? Are you a wreck for months after every breakup? Do you consistently pursue emotionally unavailable people, only to feel rejected? Sometimes, we unconsciously repeat thought and behavior patterns learned in childhood that are deeply ingrained and hard to change on our own. Professional support can make all the difference.
A counselor or psychotherapist can help identify these patterns and guide you toward healthier ways of thinking and acting—ultimately helping you attract the genuine love you deserve.