The love of a narcissistic man is often destructive. It is characterized by intense storms, emotional rollercoasters, and soul-crushing drama. The dynamic only shifts toward positivity when he receives the admiration he craves. However, the reality of a narcissistic man’s love is far more complex. Let’s break it down.
In a nutshell:
- Narcissists are incapable of truly loving you for who you are.
- When they say “I love you,” what they mean is “I love the fantasy I have about you.”
- Once the excitement of courting fades, narcissists will find fault and want you to change.
- Staying in the relationship often leads to emotional and/or physical abandonment, leaving you confused, exhausted, and heartbroken.
5 Harsh Truths About the Love of a Narcissistic Man
The course of a narcissistic man’s love typically follows a predictable pattern. Events unfold almost without surprise, at least for a seasoned therapist like Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D.
“At first, he treated me so well. He said I was perfect, that he would love me forever. We even planned a summer vacation together. Then it all seemed to go downhill. He started finding fault with me, then ignored me. Now, he’s left me. What did I do wrong?”
Unfortunately, the answer is always the same. When narcissists say “I love you,” they don’t mean the same thing most people do. Below are what I call “The Five Harsh Truths About Narcissistic Love.” While these apply primarily to narcissistic men, they hold true for women with narcissistic traits as well.
#1: A Narcissistic Man’s Love Isn’t for You, But for What He Imagines About You
Narcissists don’t truly fall in love with people. They fall in love with their projection of who they imagine the perfect partner to be.
They can appear convincingly in love because, for a brief moment, they believe in the fantasy version of you they’ve created.
In reality, narcissistic love is shallow and ultimately hinges on how perfectly you fulfill their fantasies and meet their needs. It’s all about them—not you.
#2: A Narcissistic Man’s Love Fades When the Real You Emerges
Early on, their intense adoration and idealization might feel like genuine love. But this is fleeting because it is based on a fantasy. Narcissists don’t make an effort to truly know you.
When the real you inevitably emerges—complete with human flaws—they feel disappointed. This isn’t your fault, but their inability to accept reality.
#3: A Narcissistic Man Wants to Change You Constantly
Once your imperfections become evident, the narcissistic partner embarks on a mission to “improve” you. He may make suggestions or demands about how you should change to be “better.”
Resisting these “improvements” often leads to hostility. The charm and affection evaporate, replaced by criticism and cruelty. Arguments ensue, and the happy moments fade quickly.
#4: A Narcissistic Man’s Love Destroys Your Self-Worth
Over time, as the narcissist gets to know you better, the compliments dry up, and a stream of demeaning remarks begins.
Suddenly, you feel less intelligent, less attractive, and less desirable—because they ensure you know it. Comments like:
- “Why are you wearing that to the party?”
- “Don’t you think you should lose some weight?”
- “Maybe you should consider getting a personal trainer.”
- And the classic: “How can you be so stupid?”
Even if you try to implement all the changes they suggest, it will never be enough. Narcissists are perfectionists, and nothing will ever meet their impossible standards. If you give them what they want, they simply raise the bar.
#5: A Narcissistic Partner Can Leave You Easily
This abandonment can be emotional, physical, or both. Emotional abandonment is often more devastating.
In emotional abandonment, the narcissist may not leave you physically or end the relationship officially, but they make it clear that your desires, happiness, and well-being no longer matter to them.
At this stage, they might openly flirt with others in front of you or even cheat. Many narcissists ultimately leave physically as well, especially if they perceive better options elsewhere. To them, you are like an old toy—no longer entertaining enough to hold their attention.
In Summary
Narcissists cannot sustain genuine relationships because they struggle to care about anyone but themselves. They may convincingly play the role of a passionate lover early on, but it doesn’t last.
Their love is not for your authentic self; it’s for the fantasy they’ve constructed about you. When that fantasy crumbles, they become angry and spiteful, blaming you for the relationship’s failures rather than acknowledging their unrealistic expectations.
Source: 5 Harsh Truths About Narcissistic Love | Psychology Today
